I Tried to Reach Out

Dear M,

I tried to reach out but I feel as if I'm still walking towards an endless road of despair and frustration. When will it end?

I try my best to talk to you... but you never listen. Why is that?

I try to lower my voice... but even a louder one doesn't make a difference.

I try listening to you first and talking next, but you always run away.

I try talking first and listening second, but you cut through my words and select the ones you want to hear.

I try crying my heart out but that never affects you.

I try understanding what you are going through and explain it the way you would but that's always used against me.

I try saying the hurtful truth but that just gets as nowhere.

I try understanding why you always say you're a bad person, ending up thinking if you just say that to shut me up because it never changes between us.

I try to improve for the better just to realize that finances don't even make a difference.

I'm confused and now I feel like losing hope. I don't want to run away. But what happens when you are the one running from it... how long shall you be calling me a bully for following after you.

I know I come on strong... but I also know that if I will leave this as it is... our relationship will never be the one I wanted for us.

How hard it is.... to fight for what you believe... and not run away....

I don't want to give up... I'm still trying to reach out.

Depressed and Irritated,

Me

Read More

Muted and Hurting

Dear You,

It's been a long time since I cried as much as I did. I feel sick and tired of the things we fight about. Sometimes, I keep wondering if I should be more strict in our relationship regarding the things that I am annoyed of with you. Because now, it's like I'm the one at fault because of getting mad for something I feel is the best way to deal with a certain situation.

You've told me you're giving me a second chance to correct my wrongdoings and my quirks. But can't you see my frustrations with you as well? Can't you see that every time I let small errors pass, I strip myself of the personality that built me into the strong person I used to be? Are my efforts not considered as sacrifices of my individuality?

It's too painful and I want to fight my point 'til the end. But what's the use if you'll never listen anyway? What's the point in impressing my opinion when I know for a fact that you have filtered listening?

I always tell you I don't have a choice anymore but to forgive you because it's been done. After all, the things I get mad at are just minor details of the life we will have ahead of us. How much more can I take? Am I doing a downward spiral to feeling choice-less and powerless once again? Will I reach the point of shutting up even when my heart is being wrenched inside? Will I no longer feel any passion to what I firmly believe because I love you? Is it even considered love? Or a single-sided relationship?

My eyes hurt.... and my body has switched from raged to numb.... no fire in my eyes nor anger in my voice... I am now your wingless bird.

Too Battered To Fight,

Me

Read More

Sadness and Guilt

Dear M,

Why do you never listen to me?

Why do you lie to a lot of people including me?

Why do you filter what you listen to when we talk?

Why do you use my words against me?

Why is it that you never try to understand my feelings?

Why do you walk away when we talk?

Why do you never try to consider our feelings?

Why do you expect people to respect you when I, who is close to you, feel betrayed and manipulated whenever you talk to me?

Why do I not say anything when I catch you lying most of the times?

Why do I feel guilty and sad when we fight?

Why do I feel that I've done myself and the world wrong for expressing my feelings to you?

Why can't I help but get mad at you sometimes when you try to avoid our conversations?

Why can't I stop making my voice louder when I feel that all my patience and restraints are being disregarded?

Why do I feel like I'm always at fault even when I did my best to make you listen to me?

Why do I feel depressed after you walk out on me?

Why can't I help myself in saying truthfully hurtful things whenever you leave me in the middle of the conversation?

Why did I grow up like this?

Why can't I even answer most of these questions?

Your Close Kin,

Me

Read More

Avoidance

Dearest Conveniently Coward Person,

Why can you never acknowledge me? Why is it so hard to listen to me? Is it too much for me to ask you to face me whenever we have a conversation? Are you too scared to think of the things I said? Is it too much for you to face me whenever I need you to talk to me?

I know I'm a handful to listen to, but I feel like no one whenever you avoid interacting with me-showing it in your tone, your boredom and obvious sarcasm. Do I not deserve to be listened to when I try to prove a point?

Why is it whenever you say that all will be fine and I criticize you seeing it isn't, you withdraw away? Why can't you just truthfully listen and accept it rather than give me a dry sorry or leave or deafly ignore the issue, expecting later all will be fine?

Thank you for making me feel powerless and helpless in our relationship. I feel that no matter what I do, nothing will ever change. I've always told you that in life, we just don't have choices anymore and you've always promised me that I will have a choice... I guess what you said was just pure bullshit and our relationship is one of those things I don't have a say in anymore.

You'll still be a coward when it comes to confrontations and avoid it by pretending to sleep, or be bored or deaf. You've always told me that you'd rather us face each other when we talk but I guess those were just crappy lines.

You always asked me to give you the benefit of the doubt that you will never change, but once again, I'm disappointingly right. You've changed...

Sad and Disappointed,

Me

Read More