Muted and Hurting

Dear You,

It's been a long time since I cried as much as I did. I feel sick and tired of the things we fight about. Sometimes, I keep wondering if I should be more strict in our relationship regarding the things that I am annoyed of with you. Because now, it's like I'm the one at fault because of getting mad for something I feel is the best way to deal with a certain situation.

You've told me you're giving me a second chance to correct my wrongdoings and my quirks. But can't you see my frustrations with you as well? Can't you see that every time I let small errors pass, I strip myself of the personality that built me into the strong person I used to be? Are my efforts not considered as sacrifices of my individuality?

It's too painful and I want to fight my point 'til the end. But what's the use if you'll never listen anyway? What's the point in impressing my opinion when I know for a fact that you have filtered listening?

I always tell you I don't have a choice anymore but to forgive you because it's been done. After all, the things I get mad at are just minor details of the life we will have ahead of us. How much more can I take? Am I doing a downward spiral to feeling choice-less and powerless once again? Will I reach the point of shutting up even when my heart is being wrenched inside? Will I no longer feel any passion to what I firmly believe because I love you? Is it even considered love? Or a single-sided relationship?

My eyes hurt.... and my body has switched from raged to numb.... no fire in my eyes nor anger in my voice... I am now your wingless bird.

Too Battered To Fight,

Me

Read More

Sadness and Guilt

Dear M,

Why do you never listen to me?

Why do you lie to a lot of people including me?

Why do you filter what you listen to when we talk?

Why do you use my words against me?

Why is it that you never try to understand my feelings?

Why do you walk away when we talk?

Why do you never try to consider our feelings?

Why do you expect people to respect you when I, who is close to you, feel betrayed and manipulated whenever you talk to me?

Why do I not say anything when I catch you lying most of the times?

Why do I feel guilty and sad when we fight?

Why do I feel that I've done myself and the world wrong for expressing my feelings to you?

Why can't I help but get mad at you sometimes when you try to avoid our conversations?

Why can't I stop making my voice louder when I feel that all my patience and restraints are being disregarded?

Why do I feel like I'm always at fault even when I did my best to make you listen to me?

Why do I feel depressed after you walk out on me?

Why can't I help myself in saying truthfully hurtful things whenever you leave me in the middle of the conversation?

Why did I grow up like this?

Why can't I even answer most of these questions?

Your Close Kin,

Me

Read More

Avoidance

Dearest Conveniently Coward Person,

Why can you never acknowledge me? Why is it so hard to listen to me? Is it too much for me to ask you to face me whenever we have a conversation? Are you too scared to think of the things I said? Is it too much for you to face me whenever I need you to talk to me?

I know I'm a handful to listen to, but I feel like no one whenever you avoid interacting with me-showing it in your tone, your boredom and obvious sarcasm. Do I not deserve to be listened to when I try to prove a point?

Why is it whenever you say that all will be fine and I criticize you seeing it isn't, you withdraw away? Why can't you just truthfully listen and accept it rather than give me a dry sorry or leave or deafly ignore the issue, expecting later all will be fine?

Thank you for making me feel powerless and helpless in our relationship. I feel that no matter what I do, nothing will ever change. I've always told you that in life, we just don't have choices anymore and you've always promised me that I will have a choice... I guess what you said was just pure bullshit and our relationship is one of those things I don't have a say in anymore.

You'll still be a coward when it comes to confrontations and avoid it by pretending to sleep, or be bored or deaf. You've always told me that you'd rather us face each other when we talk but I guess those were just crappy lines.

You always asked me to give you the benefit of the doubt that you will never change, but once again, I'm disappointingly right. You've changed...

Sad and Disappointed,

Me

Read More

Another Day of Ignorance

Ever Frustrating You,

I just don't understand why you refuse to do a simple task that you normally do on a regular basis. Are you mad at me for waking you up early in the morning? Is it my supposed fault that we have both agreed on a specific hour of waking up? Is 10 a.m. freaking too early for you!

I no longer get mad even when you stay up late because I expect you to follow our end of the bargain. Is it not enough to expect you to be awake by 10 a.m.? Why do I feel that I even have to sound submissive when I ask you to wake up by 11 a.m. or 12 p.m.? Didn't we agree on the specific time already?

Last night, you frustrated me so much that I immediately went to bed and fall asleep because of you driving me crazy. I was freaking sick, for crying out loud. I had a very bad tummy ache and because of your ignorance, I got hypertensive. How hard is it for me to ask something such as "please check this once in awhile or it will fail" and you not checking it at all?

Do I not have the right to be furious at you? Should sorry be enough when every time you make mistakes you say that word and do those mistakes all over again?

And to top it off, you're the one who got all stingy in the morning. You intended to ignore me and when I didn't stop, you just fled like a coward cow. I wasn't even ranting and raving, I was more sheepish and 'lamby'.

Drop-dead Angry,

Me

Read More

How Expensive Your Listening Time Is

Dear You,

Once again, you promised me to come back early but arrived two hours later. What is it with men and time? I thought women were generally the weaker ones on punctuality issues. This is one of the things I hate about you- whenever you say "I will be here by 10" and you arrive by 12, you still assume saying sorry would be enough. Am I such a control freak that my being mad isn't justifiable?

This is always happening nowadays, you giving me promises you couldn't keep. To top it off, you never listen when I get mad. Even worse, you ignore my feelings and anger hoping it will subside the next day. Just because your happy, doesn't mean your happiness will rub on me.

I always can't help getting furious about this aspect of you. Now, I just feel that I don't have a choice anymore but to ignore it and feel hurt because if we fight, all hell breaks loose and we both know that it doesn't change a thing.

These mistakes will always happen again because you will never consider minor details important.

Frustrated One,

Me

Read More

My First Letter- Helpless

Dear You,

Today, I couldn't help but write how I feel knowing whatever I said will never reach you. I always try my best to be happy and calm whenever we talk because I know you can never deal with my anger. But sometimes, we fight and I can't take so much. You always tell me that I try to control your life but in fact, you never listen to me. You promise me things but never do it at all.

Sometimes I always wonder whatever happened to that person I used to be with, but I know through experience, that people do change. Reason why I feel so stupid and naive, assuming you'd be different from the rest. You've always told me that I should give you a chance to prove I'm wrong about my assumptions. I was stupid enough to let my guard down and give myself hope that I may have met someone who would change my beliefs.

Tonight, like all sad nights, I've felt helpless once again- like a sad person who couldn't cry; like a mute bird who couldn't chirp; like a dog who couldn't bark; like a journalist who couldn't write.

I cry day and night, hoping you'd feel my hurt. But you never do... you say sorry and I know you mean it. It's just most of the time, it feels too late. It feels that I've swallowed my pride a thousand times and not get anything in return.

I feel weak. Maybe my present occupation is driving me insane but do i deserve this feeling of weakness... powerlessness... helplessness.... sadness....

It's just too much. I feel like an animal trapped in a cage, screaming on top of my lungs for help and yet no one will ever come...

But still I pray, one day, you will look at me and the feel the depth of my pain....before I sink to the blackness of my dark memories.

Your Grieving Partner,

Me

Read More