Avoidance

Dearest Conveniently Coward Person,

Why can you never acknowledge me? Why is it so hard to listen to me? Is it too much for me to ask you to face me whenever we have a conversation? Are you too scared to think of the things I said? Is it too much for you to face me whenever I need you to talk to me?

I know I'm a handful to listen to, but I feel like no one whenever you avoid interacting with me-showing it in your tone, your boredom and obvious sarcasm. Do I not deserve to be listened to when I try to prove a point?

Why is it whenever you say that all will be fine and I criticize you seeing it isn't, you withdraw away? Why can't you just truthfully listen and accept it rather than give me a dry sorry or leave or deafly ignore the issue, expecting later all will be fine?

Thank you for making me feel powerless and helpless in our relationship. I feel that no matter what I do, nothing will ever change. I've always told you that in life, we just don't have choices anymore and you've always promised me that I will have a choice... I guess what you said was just pure bullshit and our relationship is one of those things I don't have a say in anymore.

You'll still be a coward when it comes to confrontations and avoid it by pretending to sleep, or be bored or deaf. You've always told me that you'd rather us face each other when we talk but I guess those were just crappy lines.

You always asked me to give you the benefit of the doubt that you will never change, but once again, I'm disappointingly right. You've changed...

Sad and Disappointed,

Me

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Another Day of Ignorance

Ever Frustrating You,

I just don't understand why you refuse to do a simple task that you normally do on a regular basis. Are you mad at me for waking you up early in the morning? Is it my supposed fault that we have both agreed on a specific hour of waking up? Is 10 a.m. freaking too early for you!

I no longer get mad even when you stay up late because I expect you to follow our end of the bargain. Is it not enough to expect you to be awake by 10 a.m.? Why do I feel that I even have to sound submissive when I ask you to wake up by 11 a.m. or 12 p.m.? Didn't we agree on the specific time already?

Last night, you frustrated me so much that I immediately went to bed and fall asleep because of you driving me crazy. I was freaking sick, for crying out loud. I had a very bad tummy ache and because of your ignorance, I got hypertensive. How hard is it for me to ask something such as "please check this once in awhile or it will fail" and you not checking it at all?

Do I not have the right to be furious at you? Should sorry be enough when every time you make mistakes you say that word and do those mistakes all over again?

And to top it off, you're the one who got all stingy in the morning. You intended to ignore me and when I didn't stop, you just fled like a coward cow. I wasn't even ranting and raving, I was more sheepish and 'lamby'.

Drop-dead Angry,

Me

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How Expensive Your Listening Time Is

Dear You,

Once again, you promised me to come back early but arrived two hours later. What is it with men and time? I thought women were generally the weaker ones on punctuality issues. This is one of the things I hate about you- whenever you say "I will be here by 10" and you arrive by 12, you still assume saying sorry would be enough. Am I such a control freak that my being mad isn't justifiable?

This is always happening nowadays, you giving me promises you couldn't keep. To top it off, you never listen when I get mad. Even worse, you ignore my feelings and anger hoping it will subside the next day. Just because your happy, doesn't mean your happiness will rub on me.

I always can't help getting furious about this aspect of you. Now, I just feel that I don't have a choice anymore but to ignore it and feel hurt because if we fight, all hell breaks loose and we both know that it doesn't change a thing.

These mistakes will always happen again because you will never consider minor details important.

Frustrated One,

Me

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My First Letter- Helpless

Dear You,

Today, I couldn't help but write how I feel knowing whatever I said will never reach you. I always try my best to be happy and calm whenever we talk because I know you can never deal with my anger. But sometimes, we fight and I can't take so much. You always tell me that I try to control your life but in fact, you never listen to me. You promise me things but never do it at all.

Sometimes I always wonder whatever happened to that person I used to be with, but I know through experience, that people do change. Reason why I feel so stupid and naive, assuming you'd be different from the rest. You've always told me that I should give you a chance to prove I'm wrong about my assumptions. I was stupid enough to let my guard down and give myself hope that I may have met someone who would change my beliefs.

Tonight, like all sad nights, I've felt helpless once again- like a sad person who couldn't cry; like a mute bird who couldn't chirp; like a dog who couldn't bark; like a journalist who couldn't write.

I cry day and night, hoping you'd feel my hurt. But you never do... you say sorry and I know you mean it. It's just most of the time, it feels too late. It feels that I've swallowed my pride a thousand times and not get anything in return.

I feel weak. Maybe my present occupation is driving me insane but do i deserve this feeling of weakness... powerlessness... helplessness.... sadness....

It's just too much. I feel like an animal trapped in a cage, screaming on top of my lungs for help and yet no one will ever come...

But still I pray, one day, you will look at me and the feel the depth of my pain....before I sink to the blackness of my dark memories.

Your Grieving Partner,

Me

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Kurikinton Fox, I Like

This morning I woke up in a really bad mood. And I did scream, rant in my room and throw away some stuff that we're all a clutter because someone made my morning bad. To lessen my destructive forces from lashing out all over the house, I took a broom and a dustpan and swept my entire floor which hasn't been cleaned for ages. But even with that cleaning, I was still angry.

When I am angry, one thing that'd make me calm down is music. Not the smooth sailing ones, the hiphop-ish or even the all-cussing ones, just loud music. So what I did was click on the the playlist I have stored in my computer of Guitar Hero 3 songs like Through the Fire and Flames, Paint It Black, Prayer of the Refugee,Radio song, Black Sunshine, etc.

While listening to the songs I normally play every time I need to be distracted, I remembered how I loved listening to Kurikinton Fox's God Knows. So if you're a fan of Haruhi Suzumiya's God Knows, you should definitely listen to this.

He's an awesome guitar player, and if you like listening to guitar covers, you'll definitely be a fan of this guy. He usually plays game background & anime music. If it's fast and from a game console or from an anime, expect him to have played it.

Even his album Foxy Code, sounded more like BGMs from games like Megaman. I bet his playing was highly influenced by such.

With all his skills, you'd think he'd show his face to the world. But what's funny and more intriguing about this guy is he prefers keeping himself behind a fox mask.

Here's the most famous description you'd usually read about him:

Kurikinton Fox is a Japanese guitar player known for always performing in a mask, this mask is handmade and one of a kind, but they're easy to make. Often his performances are composed of multiple guitars, all of which are played by himself in a time-shifted multi-track recording. (I omitted the part regarding the website.)

In closing, I'd like to share this link for those die hard anime/ guitar player fans who love to listen to Kurikinton Fox's playing.

God Knows

http://www.fileden.com/files/2009/1/1/2247590/God%20knows%20by%20Kurikinton%20Fox.mp3

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The Feeling Down Syndrome

Today, I woke up feeling sad and not able to cheer myself up even with the gloomy cool weather outside my window. And for those who instantly concluded, "Well, it's probably because of the gloomy atmosphere", I love gloomy weathers. They make me feel happy. I love the rain as well as the darkness it spreads to envelope a place.

It's not because of the message from of one of those all time classics "Singin' in the Rain" (as supposed to being mashed-up with Umbrella in Glee)...

video owned by GleeOnFox

but because, when it rains, the world feels alone. And that's how I normally feel everyday. Yes, there are people who concern themselves with my welfare. And I have loved ones who genuinely love me. Unfortunately, no matter how much I think of those people who care for me, there are just these days... that I feel....

(www.drawinghowto.com)

Even Spongebob has one of those days.

It used to be that doing certain activities that I love like playing video games, watching marathons or even just plainly suppressing it helps. Eating ice cream, pizza (with lots of cheese), pasta, and chocolates also does the job.

I had plans in posting a high-definition image of a devoured McDonald's meal but that'd be fastfood racism, LOL.

(http://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/811983/what-is-binge-eating-disorder)

But we know that's a bad habit and both fortunately and unfortunately for me, binging no longer works...

Never came to a point that I got to look like this.(http://atwistedblog.wordpress.com/)

Anyway, posting this blog, actually made me feel better. Talking about your feelings, even when nobody's listening or reading, is free. You don't have to pay a psychiatrist and for me I just get my wanted results. For those who have read this article, I do hope I have temporarily entertained you. For those who do not understand the feeling, I hope I have shone some light on it. Lastly, for those people saying that life is a series of simple actions and decisions, and that depression can be controlled easily if you have strong will...keep that to yourself (a kinder way of saying that you can shove it up your ass).

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